My heart is lost.
Or it’s dead.
Whatever it is, it no longer beats.
I can’t breathe.
I can’t live.
I won’t.
This is how I felt this morning for the few minutes I was overwhelmed with emotion thinking about how I would continue living if something happened to Max. As a parent, these thoughts are our darkest moments. I’m working so hard right now to keep him safe. Is it enough? What about when he’s no longer mine to keep safe.. when he’s his own person to keep safe. I want to provide him with all the tools and resources and knowledge to keep himself safe when he’s older. Will it be enough?
These utterly depressing thoughts on this totally normal Wednesday are not totally my fault. It’s that damn song, “If I die young.. blah blah blah” and the part about, “not even gray and burying her baby..”. I shouldn’t just gotten out of the car after the Jason Derulo song. :/
I think about this quite often after my friend lost her baby boy to SIDS in February. It just breaks my heart and gives me terrible anxiety, and I just hate that song. It seems like they are trying to put a happy spin on a child dying. It just doesn't work for me. But who knows, maybe some baby loss mamas get comfort out of that song.
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