Usually, if I have a decision to make, no matter how tough, I am one to spend hours upon hours gathering the necessary facts to convince myself I’m making the right decision. It’s a time consuming process, but I usually have no regrets. Even if the choice I made isn’t as awesome as I thought, I figure, “eh, I researched everything I could. I thought my decision was sound. It wasn’t. Moving along.” That is until recently. This week, two decisions have haunted me:
1. The decision to have a c-section. (yes, I realize I have an earlier post on here boasting about how 'fine' I am with they way Max was born-- but there were these 5 minutes that disturbed me)
When Max and I were cuddling one very early morning, the thought crept into my mind, “I should have at least tried to have a vaginal birth”. Not sure where the thought came from, just all of a sudden, it was there! For 5 whole mins I stewed on the fact even though I had spent 9 months formulating my birth plan to include a vaginal birth—how I spent 9 months reading about why I didn’t want a c-section—and somehow, that is exactly how I ended up having my baby.
Here’s what I know:
I know I was super uncomfortable. I was tired of being pregnant. I couldn’t sleep. I was constantly starving (not just hungry). I was 185lbs- up 60 whole F-ing lbs from my prepregnancy weight. I had ultrasounds estimating my baby’s weight to be 10+ lbs if carried 40 weeks. My doctor was telling me very honestly, but graphically, that if I attempted to birth my baby vaginally, I would tear “up to my butt”. So when my doctor said to me, “I think we need to consider a c-section”, without hesitation, without even stopping to discuss with my husband, I said, “Great. Put me in for Thursday!”.
Hindsight (which is always 20/20) I should have surrounded myself with some strong female role models. Women who could put me at ease about child birth. I don’t know. I think I could have done it. But now I will never know.
2. Circumcising my son.
I really thought this was the ‘normal’ thing to do. As awful as the procedure is, yes, I thought that having my son’s foreskin on his penis surgically removed was normal. Afterall, all of my friends that have boys did it. My thought process kills me. I spent hours and hours researching vaccination and finding a pediatrician that was ‘okay’ with a delayed vax schedule, and yet, I never once considered that I didn’t HAVE to have Max circumcised. I never researched it. When the day came, I just handed my 4 week old baby son to the pediatrician for a 5 min procedure that left my baby screaming for the 20 minute car ride home.
Here’s what I know:
I remember talking about the circumcision once or twice during my pregnancy. I remember thinking, “well of course I’m going to have him circumcised, because if not, it is difficult to clean” or “make him more susceptible to STDs”. With Brian, I remember saying, “we’ll have him circumcised so that you and him will look alike”, and “I don’t want him to feel different when he realizes that he doesn’t look like his dad or his friends”. How ignorant of me.
I wish I would have considered my options. Now it’s too late. And I fear that I will forever deeply regret this decision.